I’m so tired of being surrounded by stupidity that I’m about to have to unfriend all of my family members on Facebook except for my brother and at least half of my friends in the South. Hell, I may even delete my account.

The number they called from was 847-759-8100.

So, if these people call you and you’re bored, you should return their call and see how long you can keep them on the phone just to waste their time.

After being in a room with these trailer park rejects I can only assume that if I were a sheriff’s deputy I could easily and with zero fear get away with selling heroin out of my squad car in the Wolfchase Mall parking lot in-between fuck sessions on the hood with 18-year-old Catholic school girls.

One woman who thought people cared to hear what she had to say because as a child her daddy was interested in giving her 3am snatch poundings would not shut the fuck up. She acted like she thought people paid to see her, but nobody would pay to see her unless it was 20 years ago and a donkey was involved.

The “comic” who brought these people would not shut his cock receptacle of a mouth during the real comedian’s sets even though his material was about as funny as his mom’s testicular cancer.

These back wood cunts thought that if they interrupted every comic other than their anal leaking, intellectually pre-pubescent donkey punched ass whore friend that he would win. Fortunately for the universe and the well-being of all senescent beings their crack induced plan failed.

If you know a corrupt deputy, give him or her a hug. They deserve one for having a functional brain.

Why do people think this place is Chucky Cheese? I’ve actually seen bouncers turn away families with several small children on a Saturday night and the parents acted pissed off. Keep your damn kids at home and at least pretend to be a parent.

Update: Now they’re letting their squids wander around the bar. There is a special level of hell reserved just for people like this.

What would you like to see in the large building on the corner of Overton Square?

“Maybe a dry cleaner, a place to pick up dinner, a place to rent a movie, and a place to buy music or get your shoes repaired.”

- This must be a practical joke. He can’t possible want to turn the centerpiece of Overton Square into Bartlett. I have an idea, how about putting a bar there. Memphis could always use another Flying Saucer. Call me crazy, but it just might work.

What about the rest of Madison Ave?

“We’ll have to go building to building and find out if each is adding to the neighborhood . If they’re not , we’ll try to encourage the owner to make it look nicer.”

- Yeah, deep thinking. Make sure you become the landlord first, otherwise you’re just sticking your nose in someone else’s business…literally. If the business looks like it isn’t making money there is a slightly less chance that it’ll get broken into.

What about safety?

“I live in the Evergreen Historic District…I’ve been burglarized six times…I had two bikes stolen out of my back yard. We’re thinking tracking systems…put a radio device in the seat of your bike…police are notified and can apprehend the person red-handed.”

- Dear sweet merciful Kate Beckinsale. I have no idea how to respond to this. He sees bike theft as a safety issue in Midtown?!? He actually thinks police in Midtown will monitor a bike tracking system so they can rush out and get your beloved two wheeled death trap from the Evil Doer(TM) who took it and return it to you with a smile? Crime in Midtown involves the serious risk of getting shot and that’s what I want the police focusing on. Your bike can end up in Havana for all I care.

Plans on bringing in new business…

“We want to bring in a large culinary institute… Memphis does a pretty good job of promoting its music, but fitting right in with that is the culture of food. There’s the balance of attracting the creative class…to attract young people.”

- I think my brain is damaged. It seems to me he’s suggesting that Memphis needs a culinary institute to attract creative young people to Memphis and teach them how to make…BBQ. Any idiot can make BBQ. If you need to go to school to learn how to cook pig meat you are a moron and Memphis already has an over abundant supply, so you aren’t welcome here…try St. Louis.

Enough of this guy. My next idiot is really a large group of people. And they are called… Muslims. Yes I said it. When cartoons depicted Muslims as violent they protested by showing the world the cartoonists were right. Now the Pope reads an excerpt from an ancient manuscript in a speech that says Islam was spread by violence and here we go again. Muslims start screaming for the death of the Pope and today a nun was apparently murdered by a Muslim in retaliation. Religion of peace strikes again.

I have many more idiots to skewer, but I have to get back to work. This may be a weekly feature here because I’ll never run out of content.